Saying goodbye

 

One of the things I promised in my New Years resolutions was to update this blog more. That had been my plan (and is still my plan) but three weeks ago, the rug was pulled out from under my feet and everything I knew came crashing down around my ears.

On 1st March my beloved Auntie had a massive stroke, 36 hours later she was gone. 

 

I wish you had know this wonderful lady, she was funny and smart, spiritual and gentle, wise and kind. She was my second Mum. For those of you who read this post you will know I have now lost my Mum and the closest thing to her in a little over two years. So I hope you will bear with me and understand my need for silence.

 

In my previous working life, I worked in physiotherapy, predominately within stroke rehabilitation and I saw first hand the devastating effects strokes can reek on patients and their loved ones, but still when it happens to you and to someone you love the shock is immense and you flounder.

My aunt, in our last conversation only a week before her stroke, ended our chat with the exciting chatter that she was now off to check on airfares (she lived in the states) and she was planning a trip here in 2015. We were excited, the family was so excited; we had SO much planned for that trip. But instead of letting family members know that she had booked her ticket, I had to for the second time in two years, ring my siblings, her sisters, my cousins and break their hearts all over again, just as I had done when my Mum was dying.

Three weeks after her passing, I still cannot believe she is no longer here, that I won't hit that button on facetime and hear her say "Hey sweetie". I can't believe I will never feel her wrap her arms around me and say everything she needs to say in that hug. I can't believe she won't be there to give me the generational advice we all need, no matter how old we get. I can't believe there will be no trip next year, no laughter around my kitchen table as we sit drinking wine together. I can't believe she is gone.

Right now I am being the lynchpin for my family who are spread far and wide, and at the same time I am trying to be the floor beneath my cousins feet (they have lost both parents in less than three years). I know I cannot take away all the pain but I can be there to hold them up when they feel that they are going to fall down, so I hope you will bear with me during this time.

 

As Mothering Sunday draws close, please hug those women in your life who mean the world to you because in a blink of an eye they can be gone.

New year, new beginnings?

And so another year rolls around. I know this year is three weeks old already but you know me always late to the party!

Firstly I'd just like to wish you all a very belated Happy New Year, I hope you left 2013 feeling blessed and started 2014 with a zest for even bigger and brighter things.

I've not made many new year resolutions, as sometimes I feel we put so much pressure on ourselves to; get fit, save more money, lose a few pounds, find the ideal house, take more foreign holidays yadda yadda yadda that when we don't achieve those 'goals' come the year end we feel we have failed. I don't know about you, but I don't want to feel that I've failed, I just want to feel that I am the very best I can be when I come to review the year that has passed.

So I only have two resolutions this year......

The first is to be more active on this blog. I know I'm a slacker and can be very hit and miss with my postings (I am in awe of those of you who manage to post more than once a week, come on give up your secret; how do you do it?!), but I am planning to try and stick to a more regular posting plan. I've scheduled a few posts (oooh get me I sound like a proper blogger!) and jotted down ideas on a notepad to help me out. But this is where you guys can help. Let me know in the comments box anything you would like to see me posting about. I'm considering continuing with my book posts, although I may rejig them a little and perhaps not put a scoring system on them. I considered abandoning the book posts altogether but I'm such a little book nerd and reading is such a big part of my life plus I've just read a couple of corkers which I'd like to share with you lovelies that I feel it'd be a shame to let the book side of my blog go. (November and December books, although well late are a couple of my scheduled posts). Let me know what you think. So get your thinking hats on and let me know what you would like to see on this blog.

My second 'resolution' is I am going to say NO more. That might seem like an odd thing to say when you see so many resolution posts saying "I'm going to say YES more!" But I am going to say no more to things I don't want to do. Life is precious and you have to look at self-care. Yes we all have responsibilities in life and often we have to compromise  but sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture and decide if by saying Yes to something, you are not giving good self-care. Sometimes its OK to say No you know.

We have an issue going on in Mr B.P.'s family which has been rumbling on for years. I'm not going to post about it here, as although I do open my heart (occasionally) on my blog, the 'tinternet' really isn't the place for airing this particular piece of dirty laundry. Often against my better judgment I have said yes just to keep the peace, and in all honesty it hasn't really made any difference. So for MY self-care I am going to say no. And I have to say just by saying no, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

So that's it folks. Thank you so much for continuing to read and post comments on my little blog. Although I don't post often, I do have to say I love my little corner of the world wide web and your comments and tweets really do bring a smile to my face.

Take care, and may 2014 be lucky for you!

End of the 100 day spending ban!

My 100 day spending ban finished on 10th April, and what did that little exercise teach me? Simple really, I spend far too much money on far too many (mostly) unnecessary 'things'.

I had seen the 100 day spending ban challenge all over twitter and blogs at the end of 2012 and although I didn't 'officially' join any spending ban lists going, I had already decided that we (read that as I) can be a bit too frivolous with the cash and had decided come 1st January 2013 I would really cut back.

My 'rules' were simple:

• Don't buy any new clothing/shoes, make-up, beauty and hair products, have takeaways, meals out, nights out, buy books/DVDs/CDs/magazines. Basically don't buy anything!

My exceptions were:

• I could get my hair cut and coloured, I could keep my Glossybox subscription (although I did use my Glossydots for two of the boxes - result!), I could accept gifts and I could buy gifts for others (as I had a number of birthdays which fell during the 100 day period). I could also replace like for like. So if I ran out of say a face powder and didn't have a spare to fall back on, I could replace with one to the same (or lesser) value.

So how did I get on? Not too bad I think, this is what I spent:

• Essie polish £3 (a discontinued colour from The Original Factory Shop)
• Candle £1.50
• Dress £46.05 (I got this for an interview - I rejected the job, but kept the dress!)
• Necklace from Primark £2.50 (my excuse was it was half price in the sale AND it was a necklace I had been after but it had been out of stock in my local Primark so I just had to buy it!)
• Candles £21.99 (Went a bit downhill at this point and splurged on a medium jar and 4 tarts from Yankee)
• Hot Choc £1.50 (got this when we were walking around a National Trust property, but I did share it with Mr B.P.!)
• Takeout £18.95
• Another takeout £18.20 (got both takeaways in the same week - lets just say it was a bad week hey!)
• Marie Claire £3.80 (my excuse was it came with a full sized free Bee Lovely hand cream from Neal's Yard Remedies worth £10, so in my book was money well spent. In fact I saved myself money as I had run out of hand cream and I would have spent more than £3.80 buying some more)
• Essie polishes £15.98 (but they were on 3 for 2 in Boots!)

Grand total - £133.47

I am pretty impressed with myself, and to be honest £75.12 of that was spent in the last 3 weeks of the ban. So I give myself a pat on the back!

Aside from learning that I spend too much, the other important points that I gleaned from this little exercise is, that although it is great to get that buzz from picking up a new polish, or eyeliner or those must have boots; I really don't need that buzz to make me happy and complete. I have also loved using up my stash of samples rather than rushing out and buying a new product. I've been teaming different pieces from my wardrobe together to make new outfits, rather than buying something new to stuff in my already bulging wardrobe. I've started wearing jewellery languishing at the bottom of my jewellery box which I had forgotten I had. I downloaded loads of free books onto my Kindle and I found some great new blogs to read.

So in all honestly this spending ban came at just the right time.

And now a little over 2 months since my spending ban ended, and how am I fairing? Pretty darn good actually. OK I'm not as good as during the ban, but I have really really thought about whether I really need something before I purchase it or whether I just want it and I am amazed at how many times I have left a shop empty handed. Plus I am also still using up all the dregs from the ends of my beauty/makeup products where normally I would have ditched them as soon as they appeared empty. But by cutting off the end of the tubes you would be amazed how much product is actually still left in the tube. (Popping a snipped tube in a freezer/sandwich bag, keeps that opened product lovely and fresh so you can use every last drop!).

Would I recommend doing the spending ban? Absolutely. If you think you would struggle with 100 days, why don't you start small and gradually build up. Promise yourself a week to begin with, then a fortnight or a month and move on up from there. Also if you find you fall down on spending say during your lunch break, instead of a wander round the shops, how about reading a book, a few blogs, or going on pinterest and setting yourself up a board with all the things you'd like to buy when the ban ends. Also if you grab lunch from a shop or your favourite latte on the way to work. How about making a packed lunch the night before and at the same time putting the pennies you would have spent in a jar. Not only will you feel virtuous but at the end of your spending ban you will have some money saved to buy yourself something you really want AND need.

GO ON GIVE IT A GO!!!

An apology

I just don't know where the time has gone. It was never my intention to not post for so long, but after these lovely ladies Mel, Sandra and Jenny contacted me to see if all was OK with me (thank you lovelies!), I realised just how long I had been away for!

Unfortunately life has just got in the way, you all know how it is at times. In between working on our business, having family visiting from overseas, starting a new part-time job and babysitting my in-laws dog (who is more than a little crazy bless her!), there has been no time for not only blogging myself but catching up with all my favourite blogs!

Now the visiting family and dog have returned to their respective homes, and I've settled into my new job I am just about to hop back on the blogging bandwagon!

Although I have been so busy in other areas, I have really missed reading all your blogs and cannot wait to catch up on all your news - you motley crew!

I really hope too that you haven't abandoned my little blog, there will be lots of posts coming up soon, I promise!

Take care one and all, look out for posts from me and comments on your posts coming soon!

(I hope I'm forgiven!) x

Advice for my younger self

I quite often look back at my life, not that I'm over the hill at 41(!), and think about things I would tell my younger self. In particular my younger self of my late teens/early 20s. I see a fair amount of angst filled blog posts and tweets from worried/disillusioned twenty somethings so I thought I would list some advice I would give to my younger self and maybe it will help someone out there......

This too shall pass. No matter how hard something seems, it will pass. Things may not turn out to be as perfect as you hoped but they will be a lot better than in the eye of the storm.

Learn to enjoy your own company. There is a great difference in being alone and being lonely. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself.

On the above note, live alone (flat sharing doesn't count). It is a great way to find out who you really are and what makes you tick.

Never see higher education as a debt, if you view it as an investment (in your future) then it will be money well spent.

On the above note, don't assume YOU should go to University just because it is expected of you, there are great careers which don't involve going down the formal academic route. Find out what is right for you.

But do get some industry recognised qualifications, they will be worth their weight in gold in the long run.

Life is a journey, not a race (and heaven forbid not a competition). Sometimes you will be ahead, sometimes you will be behind, but you will always be where you should be and everyones journey is different.

You will never look better than you do now (in your late teen/early twenties), so OK your fashion sense might take a while before you find what suits you but your skin will never be as freshly plump and line free as it is now, so stop bitching about lines which you cannot see because I'm telling ya when they do appear, you will really know about it!

On that note, use good quality skincare products suited to your skin type. You are never too young to start on a skincare regime and don't forget to use eye gel/neck cream. Although you can't currently see the damage/aging which is taking place, it is happening under the surface. Taking care of your skin will reaps benefits in the long run.

Learn to love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love and respect you when you
think so little of yourself?

Never be too big/afraid/angry to say Sorry. Sorry may only be a small word but it could have a big impact on someone else.

Forgive those who have wronged you. You don't need to forgive them to their face, but forgive them in your heart and let the anger go. Holding onto anger is like you drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

As cliched as it sounds, material things don't mean a jot. Yep they are nice to have, but the most precious things you will ever have will be the friends and family you surround yourself with.

It's never too late to reinvent yourself. Don't think you are too old to re-train/start again, you have more years ahead of you than have already passed.

Don't ever think you aren't good enough. YOU ARE.

Travel. Seeing other countries and cultures will enrich your life beyond measure.

Ditch toxic relationships. Be they friends/family/partner/work. If something makes you feel bad about yourself then let it go. We are not here to be a metaphorical punchbag for others.

There's a lot to be said in the saying 'Do something every day that scares you' Now I'm not advocating playing chicken on the M25, I mean push the boundaries on your comfort zone, it will make you more resilient when things don't go the way you planned. Because lets face it they don't always go the way you planned because it's called life.

It's good to have a game plan but don't expect it to play out exactly as you wish. In the words of John Lennon - 'Life is what happens when you're busy making plans' THIS IS SO TRUE.

Never stop learning. It can be anything - the piano/a language/baking the perfect cake, but never stop. If you stop learning you might as well stop living.

Don't expect to have it all 'figured out' by the time you are 21. I don't think any of us ever really figure it out and there is nothing wrong with that.

The only thing you ever really have control over is your own thoughts. You can plan life as much as you want, but sometimes things just don't work out the way you planned and can leave you disappointed and despondent. How you THINK about the outcome and if you focus on it negatively or positively is the thing which will make all the difference.

Follow the path which is right for YOU and not the one others want/expect you to take.

Manners don't cost a thing. Use them.

See the beauty in everyday; it surrounds you, if you just stop and take a closer look.

What advice would you give your younger self?

A blissful Sunday

Sunday morning dawned bright and sunny. So there was a little nip in the air, but it is still only February after all. But what I really noticed was the smell of Spring all around us.

Spring my favourite season of all. Have I told you just how much I love Spring? Have I? Have I? Have I?!

For me it is the best season. We come out of the dreary, bleakness which is Winter, into brighter, longer light filled days, new growth and the anticipation of (hopefully) a warm summer to come.

I feel I come alive come Spring. I shed my winter coat (metaphorically speaking) and joy and possibility seeps into weary bones.

With the beautiful day which dawned on Sunday, Mr B.P. and I decided to take the hound and have a long stroll around our nearest National Trust property. We are members of the N.T., have been for years and I have to say we definitely get our moneys worth.

It wasn't as busy as expected, this place can get heaving at times. There was a pleasant amount of souls ambling around with dogs and/or children in tow.

Estate cottage

Daisy was in her element, even if she did insist on carrying her new ball the whole walk! We stopped at the little gothic cottage, which had a roaring fire lit and was festooned with fresh greenery and twinkling fairy lights and grabbed some hot chocolate. Not the best hot choccy in the world, I have to admit - needs to be made with milk and squirty cream etc but hey it was nice that it was available there, and we just had a wander in the sunshine and put our recent woes to the back of our minds for a few brief but enjoyable hours.

Winter flowering rhododendron

The sun on my back just felt soooooooo good. Everyone had a smile on their face and you could clearly see them relishing the onset of Spring.

You could see the early buds appearing on the trees and everywhere was carpeted in snowdrops, with the leaves of emerging daffodils in between, complimented by a smattering of yellow primroses.

IT WAS BLISS *sighs*

 

 Hope you all had a wonderful weekend and that the sun shone wherever you were!

Broken like I'm never gonna heal

That's the way I'm feeling at the moment. Fragile and delicate and in pieces. (Thank you Lady Antebellum for the line).

There are a lot of changes a foot in the blushing peonies household and some stormy seas ahead.

I don't go in to too much deep and meaningful detail on my blog, I prefer to keep things light hearted but after a really REALLY rough 5 years and when we thought we saw light at the end of the tunnel, we have been stamped on yet again. The past fortnight has been horrendous. Lots of tears and sleepless nights but the one thing which did cheer my sorry soul is this:

My wonderful Sister surprised me with this beautiful card with such heartfelt words inside and this collection of goodies. She also got me a tub of my favourite Ben and Jerrys ice-cream.

So although things look really bleak at the moment, it is at times like these I realise I am loved and for that I am so very thankful.

Loss

This date last year my life changed forever.  On the 15th of December 2011 my Mum died.

This post isn't about pity, it's about loss, it's about my Mum, it's about me and hopefully it will help someone out there who has just been bereaved or who is going to lose someone very dear very soon.

My Mum was only 66 when she passed away.  Now some of you reading this may think this is old, but I can assure you it isn't.  My Mum still worked full-time, infact more than full-time, she was always on the go and had a memory like an elephant.  She was shy and reserved until you got to know her.  She had a wicked sense of humour, an amazing singing voice and she was a tiger who would do anything for her children, regardless of the fact we were all 'fully grown'.  Above all this she was a Mum and that three letter word says it all.

I had only been back from Australia for 3 weeks when I got the phonecall that would change my life.  At 7.30pm on 14th November Mum called me and she couldn't get all of her words out.  I was sure she'd had a stroke.  (I worked for many years in stroke rehab, I know all the signs), but what I didn't know, was that day my Mum had been to the hospital, by herself, and had been diagnosed with a brain tumour.  That phonecall from my Mum is embedded into my memory forever.

I had to have her admitted to A&E against her will, which is one of the hardest things I have had to do.  Being in A&E and hearing her unable to recall her date of birth, what month we were in or who the Prime Minister was was heartbreaking (these are all standard questions Doctors ask when someone is admitted with confusion).  This was the lady whom everyone went to to get a date from or to clarify information, as I said above she had the memory of an elephant.  There she was; my Mum, but my Mum was already gone.

She was an incredibly private lady, hence the reason she was alone when she went for the MRI scan.  Didn't want to worry us and all that, you know how it goes. Stubborn as a mule and infuriating as hell at times.  But it wasn't until the next day, 15th November, that we found out that Mum hadn't had a stroke but instead she had a brain tumour, but that wasn't all.  The tumour which orginally looked like a primary cancer, was infact a secondary tumour and she had primary lung cancer.  Options were really limited, none of them would cure her in the long term, they would prolong her life and that was all, and we ran through all the options of chemotherapy, radiotherapy and surgery and a mixture of all three as well as palliative care.  Mum was put on a high dose of steroids to reduce the inflammation around the brain tumour, and this improved her speech slightly, it was only the inflammation which had given her intermittent speech problems over a couple of days which was the indicator that something was wrong.  Other than feeling a little tired, Mum had no pain and felt normal.  So to receive a double cancer diagnosis not only hit us as a family for six, it totally floored my Mum.

We are a family who are very spread around, not just within the UK but worldwide.  Having to phone my Mum's sisters, my cousins and other family, friends and my Mum's employers knowing those phonecalls would change their worlds forever was one of the most harrowing things I have gone through (and I can tell you I have experienced some harrowing things in my time).

The doctors predicted we had months if Mum didn't have any treatment.  We had ONE month, one calendar month that was all.  Mum wanted treatment which surprised us all.  She was always the sort of person who said "well when your times up, your times up", but then again none of us know what choice we would make when we are delivered that fateful news.  But the cancer wasn't going to wait for the surgery to take place.

I can remember standing in the side room which Mum was in, by this point she was totally unresponsive, I staring out of the window seeing all the Christmas lights, the party revellers in their finest, was screaming inside "MY MUM IS DYING, why isn't Christmas cancelled".  But as much as you hate it at the time, life goes on and it is a constant cycle which we all live through but I wish we would talk about death more.  It will happen to all of us.  It is the only sure thing.

Somehow you go onto automatic pilot, eating, sleeping, I did the Christmas present shopping for my nieces and nephews, and Mr B.P.'s family.  I put up family and I fielded calls from others wanting updates.  I showered and put on make-up, arranged a funeral.  Afterwards I looked back and couldn't believe I had done all those things and more, but believe me you do and you will when you find yourself in a similar situation.

Mum passed away in the early hours of Thursday 15th December 2011.  I live 45 minutes drive from the hospital.  I missed her passing by 10 minutes.  I was heartbroken, but I knew my Mum wanted it this way.

A whole year has passed now.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday, sometimes it feels like her passing happened in another lifetime, time is a funny old thing.  I miss her everyday but it does get easier.  Life will never be the same, how can it be?  Especially when you lose someone so intrinsically linked to your very existence.  But you do learn to build a different life without that special someone in your life.

Grief too is a funny old thing.  You will find some days you feel absolutely fine, other days it takes your breath away.  You could be in the middle of the supermarket, watching your favourite soap or in the shower or something could remind you of them, a smell, a phrase, a song on the radio, but ride that grief it is all part of the healing process.  Your body and mind has to heal, give it time and don't be hard on yourself.  I learnt to accept the times when I felt awash with grief and just accept it.

I can remember feeling as though my breath had been taken away.  Losing Mum was so painful it physically hurt.  I now know the true meaning of being heartbroken.  It is a physical pain within your chest.  Something which is as simple as taking air in and out appears to be an insurmountable task.

In my experience people will do things which will amaze you.  Those you thought would be there for you almost ignore your bereavement, which can feel like another bereavement all over again, others will give you the widest shoulders to lean on.  Take all the support you get.

Also I have an NHS background, I know how it works but I beat myself up for months after because I felt I hadn't asked for enough, pushed enough, got the equipment in place which I knew would make Mum more comfortable.  Please don't do this to yourself if you find yourself in a similar situation, when you are the one who has become the eye of the storm, you forget everything going on around you.  No matter your background you become the patients carer, you have so many plates to juggle you are bound to drop one or two, it doesn't mean you have failed in their care.

Many would say my Mum had a good life and a good death.  Yes she died safe and warm and relatively pain free in a hospital bed and we had a months 'warning' of her impending demise.  But it doesn't matter how long you have or how they pass, a loss is a loss is a loss and you will feel that same pain no matter how it happens.  Be kind to yourself.

There are so many things I miss about my Mum, far too many to list here and I am so sad that she passed away many years before she should have but I'd much rather have had the 40 wonderful years I had with an amazing Mum than many more with a feckless mother.

The firsts are always the hardest.  The first birthdays - theirs and yours, Mothers day, Christmas the list goes on, be kind to yourself on those days but  you do get through, I did.

Last year as you can imagine, Christmas was the bleakest of times but this year, we as a family, are joining in all the festivities and being thankful we have a wonderful support group around us.  Christmas means different things to us now but we will still celebrate.

As for my Mum I just want to thank her for making me the strong and independent women I am today.  I know without her love and guidance I would not be the person I am.  I love you Mum.

As lovely as it is to get everything on your Christmas list and I know I've written my fair share of lists, at the end of the day presents really don't matter.  It's the people you share it with and the memories you make, as cliched as that sounds it is true. So when people ask me this year what is on my Christmas list, my answer is always the same; 5 more minutes with my Mum, just 5 more minutes.